with better eyes
I could have seen the disgust on your face
when I spoke your name
and with better ears
I could have heard the disgust in your voice
when you spoke mine
and with better hands
I could have felt your skin crawl
when my fingers touched down upon your neck
and with a better nose
I could have smelled the vomit
churning in your stomach
when you touched me out of pity
and perhaps with a better voice
my words might have
done more than flatter
and yet
even with all these things
I know it would have happened the same way
because even now
I still wish
I could do it all over again

pornographic memory

buildings collapse
in the distance,
behind
but I'm
hypnotized
by your
quivering voice,
your
fluttering eyes.
I don't see them
fall.
they could crack open
all the cages,
set every demon free,
send a bullet
screaming
to the president's
head &
crack it open
for everyone to see.
I'm dead
to this world
so
bury me
deep in your arms
tonight.

why can't it be me,
the charismatic lunatic
they would flock,
but rather,
pathetic.
projecting
reflecting
evasive
&
avoided.
this is self-loathing
by proxy
this is abandonment
anxiety
all I want is to hurt
and be hurt
and be done with it

contaminent

a vial of
hope
and
a vial of
pain,
in the light
they both
looked
the same.
poured them out
into the world,
on
every boy
and
every girl.

i better be quiet now

they're so beautiful.
the only thing i let ride past my logic
and surpass with
unadulterated compassion.
time and again
this
whole hearted love
is stomped on
and
withered away
continually.

i fear this
nerve
is
quickly diminishing,
and in time,
will be
gone
forever.
with nothing
good
to look back on;
just the few
who have
exhausted
this innocent display
of adoration.

the coffee shop

waiting for my morning coffee
i saw her in front of the line.
i caught a quick glance of this
beautiful queen as she
glared at the
pictures on the
walls.
minutes seem like seconds,
and then she walks away.
i hear a faded voice
calling for my attention.
she disappears,
the voice becomes discernible.
it's the cashier
asking me
what i'd like.

the usual.
coffee,
black.
$1.84
he says to me.
I open up my wallet,
and it's full of blood.

epilogue of our friday evening.

i heard the sounds of train-carts exploding
& looked outside to see a drunk troubled man collecting the remnants of a garbage can which was now destroyed
& wedged in between his melting truck, and the dead oak tree.
as he frantically collected his things, i ran inside, got my shoes
only to return to police vehicles and ambulances, with the man no where to be found.
the gas and the oil stained our driveway,
while the police men talked about how they wish they could own a truck
which was just as magnificent.

haunt my days

i had dreams
that frightened me awake.
i happened to escape,
but my escape
would never come.

a moment time held forever

two cute round-faced teenage hasidic boys with long blond curls falling down the sides of their faces are standing next to one another playing banjos. they are standing in a snow-covered field that is almost completely white except for a few small trees and a wire fence far off in the distance. in front of the boys is a halfway-dying deer with an arrow sticking straight through its neck, and a small pool of blood collecting beneath it in the snow. the deer is beautiful and cream colored; it is looking up painfully at the sky & it seems to be in a considerable amount of pain & agony. despite the cold and the snow, neither brother is wearing a shirt, only long black pants. the two boys look like identical twins except that one boy is a bit more pudgy than the other. their skin is very white and sickly. you can see their footprints in the snow. both boys have long dirty fingernails and pointed teeth.

http://shartshartattack.blogspot.com/

will be much more interesting than this will ever be. follow that instead.

voyeur

i got this little flip video camera gadget a while ago, and have been collecting random footage. last night at Kevin/Dylan's house warming party raniel took over and got some of the best it's seen yet, so i think it's about time for a montage. i think i learned that the best way to get footage is to have no inhibition with it. i have all the footage on my computer now, but the final product will come once the 132min waiting time for them to upload to iMovie is over.

i made this thing past it's deadline, which sucks, because if i made the deadline i could have potentially had it printed as a 24 x 36' poster, which would have been really neat. it was a school project, to make a poster promoting my class' final presentations of their portfolio's (of which i'm not participating in). i like the way it came out though, i think i'm adapting the collage style pretty heavy. also i'm realizing i have a big thing for tentacles, they're in so much of my work. next time there's a big show i'm gonna take out the text and use it for a flier/poster thing.

heaven knows i'm miserable now.

i just want to be happy

she said
I wish I was a man,
and I said
so do I.
she talks to herself
around me,
I talk to myself
around her.
this
is my
balcony scene
stage lit set
script is written,

curtain closes in.

this scene ends
before it begins

it just ends.

9 hours led to this.

feels nice to become familiar with inspiration once again.

keruoac had the right idea, morrisey had the right action.
i just need to become celibate.

so what do you do when everything becomes unstimulating and every situation is equally as empty in their own way? i feel like it's been a long-established thought, but hopelessness has got me nowhere, although, what even really can.

it is true, ignorance is bliss.

unhappy with life? get a moped. it will improve quality of living, i promise.

'this songs about falling on your skateboard'

last night was good. deerhunter played here and they put on a damn fine gig. it's nice to see some aspect of legitimate shoegazy kinda stuff still existing. i had no idea that they were so popular, because it was probably one of the most packed shows at the god forsaken backbooth that i've ever been to. i saw josh ericson there and he informed me of some very exciting news of animal collective and black dice playing a show here together sometime in june. that is ridiculousy amazing, i can't wait for that.
anyhow, the show was awesome. summer birds in the cellar play wayyyy too long of sets, but i guess it was worth it. although right now my body is barely working, my back feels broken and i feel like my head weighs 70lbs. the best part of all of it is that i get to spend these wonderful times in the confines of school, with 3 hours of sleep. waking up drunk is bad enough, but having to make yourself useful after this is serious self abuse. only 7 more hours to go until i'm free. fuck.