with better eyes
I could have seen the disgust on your face
when I spoke your name
and with better ears
I could have heard the disgust in your voice
when you spoke mine
and with better hands
I could have felt your skin crawl
when my fingers touched down upon your neck
and with a better nose
I could have smelled the vomit
churning in your stomach
when you touched me out of pity
and perhaps with a better voice
my words might have
done more than flatter
and yet
even with all these things
I know it would have happened the same way
because even now
I still wish
I could do it all over again

pornographic memory

buildings collapse
in the distance,
behind
but I'm
hypnotized
by your
quivering voice,
your
fluttering eyes.
I don't see them
fall.
they could crack open
all the cages,
set every demon free,
send a bullet
screaming
to the president's
head &
crack it open
for everyone to see.
I'm dead
to this world
so
bury me
deep in your arms
tonight.

why can't it be me,
the charismatic lunatic
they would flock,
but rather,
pathetic.
projecting
reflecting
evasive
&
avoided.
this is self-loathing
by proxy
this is abandonment
anxiety
all I want is to hurt
and be hurt
and be done with it