http://shartshartattack.blogspot.com/

will be much more interesting than this will ever be. follow that instead.

voyeur

i got this little flip video camera gadget a while ago, and have been collecting random footage. last night at Kevin/Dylan's house warming party raniel took over and got some of the best it's seen yet, so i think it's about time for a montage. i think i learned that the best way to get footage is to have no inhibition with it. i have all the footage on my computer now, but the final product will come once the 132min waiting time for them to upload to iMovie is over.

i made this thing past it's deadline, which sucks, because if i made the deadline i could have potentially had it printed as a 24 x 36' poster, which would have been really neat. it was a school project, to make a poster promoting my class' final presentations of their portfolio's (of which i'm not participating in). i like the way it came out though, i think i'm adapting the collage style pretty heavy. also i'm realizing i have a big thing for tentacles, they're in so much of my work. next time there's a big show i'm gonna take out the text and use it for a flier/poster thing.

heaven knows i'm miserable now.

i just want to be happy

she said
I wish I was a man,
and I said
so do I.
she talks to herself
around me,
I talk to myself
around her.
this
is my
balcony scene
stage lit set
script is written,

curtain closes in.

this scene ends
before it begins

it just ends.

9 hours led to this.

feels nice to become familiar with inspiration once again.

keruoac had the right idea, morrisey had the right action.
i just need to become celibate.

so what do you do when everything becomes unstimulating and every situation is equally as empty in their own way? i feel like it's been a long-established thought, but hopelessness has got me nowhere, although, what even really can.

it is true, ignorance is bliss.

unhappy with life? get a moped. it will improve quality of living, i promise.

'this songs about falling on your skateboard'

last night was good. deerhunter played here and they put on a damn fine gig. it's nice to see some aspect of legitimate shoegazy kinda stuff still existing. i had no idea that they were so popular, because it was probably one of the most packed shows at the god forsaken backbooth that i've ever been to. i saw josh ericson there and he informed me of some very exciting news of animal collective and black dice playing a show here together sometime in june. that is ridiculousy amazing, i can't wait for that.
anyhow, the show was awesome. summer birds in the cellar play wayyyy too long of sets, but i guess it was worth it. although right now my body is barely working, my back feels broken and i feel like my head weighs 70lbs. the best part of all of it is that i get to spend these wonderful times in the confines of school, with 3 hours of sleep. waking up drunk is bad enough, but having to make yourself useful after this is serious self abuse. only 7 more hours to go until i'm free. fuck.

people at lenscrafters are annoying and/or rude. i don't know how they expect anyone to know everything about the process of getting glasses, you figure they'd be more welcoming considering how much money they just made my pocket leak.
either way, after what seemed like forever, they gave me glasses, because apparently astigmatism was a little less than the right diagnosis. now i get to look like a nerd all the time.

i was walking through the woods and i saw an ear growing out of a tree

lately things have been alright, i haven't really been too depressed, which is amazing. i haven't felt 'normal' for a sustained period of time since highschool. i don't get that full treat of being content or happy, but it's nice to evade misery for a while. all i've been feeling is intense displacement and anxiety. everywhere i am i want to be somewhere else, everything i do never seems enough to satisfy the void of discontent. i know a lot of my anxiety comes from the fact that within 4 months, i will be finished with my schooling and ready to start 'real life' which is kind of ridiculous. it makes me think so much further down the spectrum, and makes me feel like i'm supposed to be doing certain things, but i don't want to. the thought of having a house and a wife and kids is fucking terrifying. i never want to be settled like that, i never want to have such an empty definition of 'success.' i want to be everywhere all the time, but who knows what will happen. i just want to see new places, meet new people, learn new things, and maybe have a nice lady to go along with all of this. yes, that would be ideal, but the ideal situation thing has yet to visit my life.

on a totally irrelevant note: i noticed this a while ago, but it really bothers me now because of how frequently i hear it. whenever something shocking/lame happens, i hate it when people say "REALLY??!" or even worse "really??! REALLY?!?" it's annoying, and complete evidence how language degrades through stupid slang trends like this. it's bad enough that the news has to be written on a 6th grade comprehension level. i guess this isn't really a degradation, but it's just an annoying trend which correlates with the loss of language. i imagine the future people will just be speaking through acronyms and slang words that have no relevance to actual english language.

my hero

fuckmylife.com

i just discovered this website, and it's been keeping me mildly amused.
it's pretty much enjoyable the same way failblog is fun to read.
so you should indulge yourself as well: http://www.fmylife.com/

ex:
Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML
#11697 (18) - 02/06/2009 at 2:23pm by Noname in 'sex'
I agree, your life is f***ed (11234)
you deserved that one (1939)

i never knew that when every time i read, and i get a headache and the words start shaking, that there was a term for this, and it could be treated. i was informed i had astigmatism, and if i didn't do something about it, it would get worse. so pops took me to the eye glass place and got me a pair of reading glasses.
now i can truly look like a loser when i read alone and peripherally watch/be jealous of couples enjoying themselves with one another.

this really cute woman that's one of my instructors at school always talks to me and stuff like shes my friend. i've seen her when i was very drunk downtown a couple of times and shes pretty nice, kind of an idiot, but pretty nice. she asked me if i wanted to a part of an art show somewhere off of mills where you get paid to have a gallery up, and you can sell your pieces, and there's free alcohol.
i'm not really sure any of the details yet, but it felt really awesome to be recognized by a teacher, and have them offer it out of the blue. all i know is that it's in a couple of month's which is awesome, because i have like 3 or 4 pieces that i just started, that will probably be much easier to complete now that i have some sort of motivation.

on a somewhat related note- i only have 4 months of school left, which is crazy. it's going to be nice to live all growed up and never have to worry about school again.

and on a totally unrelated note - incase you missed it, here's what jake sounds/looks like if he were to sing for khann

friday preston and i did a two player practice for like 3 hours after getting real high, and that was good, it was needed. after all that i walked up to abc with lyle to get beer and noticed what looked like a thousand freaks on bicycles. to leave it to thompson: "i was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo, and somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things. won't be long now before they tear us to shreds."
basically what it felt like. it's still really weird to me how cliche/trendy the whole bike punk thing is in orlando. it's awesome to see such growth, but not in certain lights. i guess exploitation is always bound to happen with something good. either way, it was funny because on the walk back from abc, kyle jumped out of the bushes and nearly made me shit my pants, but the first thing he mentioned was how lame critical mass was for the same reasons. got real drunk at preston and lyle's, steph, dylan and kevin came over to get more drunk. somehow the idea came up to go to the flea market the next day and everyone was all about it. saturday morning rolls around and it seems like i was the only one who was serious. so i ended up going with zach, and having a good time either way. i always forget what the flea market is like, but then quickly reminded. it's like going to highschool in the town that gummo was shot in or something. zach got his palm read, i bought a knife, and pet baby goats. nothing really too much better than that. we went to this new vegan restaurant on 50 called the lovin hut, and it was really weird. it's run by a cult or something, but they make good food. we went to the show at hoops later than night and it was a really different atmosphere than the past couple shows, but in a good way. some shirtless spanish guy got thrown out by his throat, and that was cool. i seriously thought he was going to get murdered. today i was supposed to record but i'm very hungover, smelly, and exhausted, finishing my painting seems much more desirable.

so it goes

i have no patience for anything anymore.
it sure is nice to be emotionally detached, and truly be able say 'fuck it' to everything. nothing really matters. i guess it feels empty, but so does being fucked over all the time, that actually feels worse. either way it doesn't make things feel any more fulfilling. it's just a thought.

"he's jaded and disgusted by the emptiness of existence...its hard...really."

officially goth

kevin to preston:
"how come everyone in your band always looks so sad all the time?"


ha

sowing the seeds of discontent

it's pretty disheartening to be in a point in your life where absolutely nothing is the way you'd like it to be. outside of the fact that there will be days that are amazing, moments that i'll never forget, and times i'm overloaded with happiness; i really never thought being this age would entail so much depression- it always seemed like this would be the highlighted time. although, i'm sure most of this has to do with my own stance on things, but i'm not even sure i really have a stance anymore. i've reached this point of intense nihilism toward most everything. like there's no emotion in my body, there's no spark there. it's just an empty vessel. i wish i could figure out how to let other things make me happy. i've realized that when i'm happy it's generally because my loneliness is fulfilled, but that's so trivial, and i know my discontent is beyond loneliness. i suppose the other things become easier to ignore when there's someone who makes you excited to wake up in the morning.

shtuff

i think i'm getting better. i was in winter park the other day and i tried going to the publix that i stole allie medicine from, which is also the publix we got caught stealing subs from. as soon as i walked in, all the employees were staring at me really bad, like they knew that i was a villain. i wonder if they have security camera pictures of me in the office or something. either way, i went to whole foods about a half hour later and stole much better meddys. they've been working really good, i don't really feel like i'm dying (too much) anymore, it just feels like there's a brick on top of my face instead of a nose.
in celebration of this newly found/increasing health, i got rid of the beard that i've been working on well before allie left it feels nice to have a face again. i kind of just wanted to shave the whole thing off all the sudden. having any sort of facial hair under your nose when you have a cold is really sick. every time i blow my nose, a huge glob of snot gets embedded into my mustache. it can be paralleled to the analogy of wiping with a hairy butthole: trying to wipe peanut butter out of a shag carpet.
oh yeah! so the show that was really awesome and fun to play at birdie's - lyle was supposed to have filmed the whole thing, but he only filmed part, and then the footage got erased. i was really really bummed about it because it was such a fun show, until i saw these videos which jeffrey from hot hands filmed. outside of the last christopher walken reunion at keri's old house, this was the funnest show i've ever played:


it was also fun because we finally got to do the joy division cover, which we've only kind of fucked around with at practice. it was awesome, everyone was dancing and singing a long. i think that's an unspeakable happiness when people are singing along with your band, outside of the fact that it's not our song, it still feels amazing. fortunately, jeffrey also managed to capture 19 seconds of it, probably the best part of the show, but apparently his camera died. at least there's this little bit to enjoy:

collapse

i feel like shit. in every sense of the word.
i think my throat might feel a little less painful if i ripped it out. my back feels like it's broken and i feel like i have a headache all over my entire body. being depressed feels terrible when you have such intense physical ailments. it's hard because when you're sick, or at least when i'm sick, i can't do anything but lay in bed and think about all sad stuff that i usually just block out. i thought i felt empty before, but when you have no physical strength it's completely miserable. i want to sleep until it all goes away, but that's not gonna happen. i just want someone to bring me soup and watch a movie with me so i don't feel like such a freak. but that's not gonna happen either.

so jake's disposition of being a guitarless guitar player has led me to sell mine to him, which will in turn be funding my next tattoo. i'm really excited, because i've had so many ideas, but i will have a much larger budget considering i have my saved money, on top of what jake is paying me. part of me wants to splurge and get a huge piece done, because i want to try and fill up my right arm, where most of my stuff is. i just don't know what i'd fill all of it with.
although, there are some potential ideas


party of helicopters art (really want this)

more baizely art?(leaning towards this)

josh keyes art? (really want this too)

joy division unknown pleasures art?

my own art?

dali art?(one elephant)


these are pretty much in order of how much i want them, more or less. i really want that other baizely piece because it would match the other one so well, and close off the top of my arm pretty good. the party of helicopters and the joy division thing are just some things i've liked for a long time, plus they're great bands, so i wouldn't mind having a memoir of them forever. i was thinking of getting the party of helicopters one on the back of my forearm, and probably get it filled with detail, rather than solid black silhouettes. the joy division one would go on the inside of my

such a hard decision. opinions?

everything has it's end, and this is it.

playing tonight's house show seems to have been a very huge redeeming factor as far as my happiness is concerned. i needed something like this to bring me back to my feet, or at least clear my mind from all the shit it's been swimming in. it's still really terrible, dealing with that place in your chest that feels like a black hole. i feel like i've been growing from it a lot though. it's really taught me to put my values in to things that truly deserve it. as much as i seem to be blindsided by emotions on a regular basis, i've been feeling an intense apathy recently, because i basically feel like now my emotions are invalid, and just serve as some sort of mental distraction from true logic. i know there is some validity to the things i'm passionate about, but it's a matter of taking things realistically, as opposed to what my heart wants them to be. i feel like i've recognized this fact for a while, but i suppose it takes it takes something really traumatic in order to learn and accept this. as much as it's been hurting, it feels good to recognize this as a lesson or a growing experience. i'm the type of person to put a lot emotion in to things i care about, perhaps too much. witnessing an intense passion get thrown away so casually hurts immensely, but things go on. there will be others to pour something into, and they will throw it away also, but life continues. i feel so nieve that it's taken me 21 years to realize things like this, but it's happened now, and i'm finally able to swallow this lump in my throat.
loneliness seems rather irrelevant, i've accepted isolation, and it's something i will most likely experience for a good period of time. it's something which i'm sure everyone faces, maybe not to such an extent, but this is the way things are going to be, and it's pointless to feel misery over something beyond your control.

i just don't know where things go from here.

the mind is a terrible thing

there's a big empty place in my chest and it's obvious why. i don't know why this is so hard for me to swallow, but last night i felt like dying. i was rolling around on my bed, cold sweat, back and forth, from 3am until about 9am when i finally fell asleep. i think i've fucked things up really bad. life goes on i suppose, it's just going to be a slow start.
bike rides don't really make me as happy anymore, and i hate that. drinking is increasing in it's inability to numb out depression, it's actually kind of backfiring, which also sucks.
fuck i'm pathetic. this is pathetic.
i'm sorry to anyone who actually reads this. writing in here just brings some sort of mental clarity...or something.

i need to by some new records or something.

there's been a lot of introspection going on lately, and it's made me feel really shitty. i don't know why i've even been trying to go out, it's pretty much impossible for me to socialize at this point, but i think it's probably going to be good in the long run, i hope. all of this time has just made me realize what a waste the last few months have been. it feels awful to pour all of your heart into something and have it thrown away and forgotten about so quickly like it's nothing.
whatever, another wasted effort in my life, not surprising. soon it will be gone, and forgotten about forever, and it will be like none of this ever happened. it just makes me sick that this is how the story ends.

over it

2008 was a piece of shit and a lot of bad things happened. i'm not anymore hopeful for 2009, but i feel kind of excited about it. only because i can't really imagine things getting much worse anymore. the past two+ years or so have been the worst yet and all the negative emotions i've experienced have been to the most extreme. dealt with death of a family member, psychiatric counseling, heartbreak, backstabbing, betrayal, being used, being lied to, being ignored, being broke, going to jail, being on probation, breaking a limb, losing close friends, being generally discontent, etc. i hate to jinx myself, which i probably will, in saying i can't imagine anything making me feel worse than experiencing those things has left me feeling. i'll be moving out since i'll be in school longer than expected. it will be a good feeling to know that when i move out of that residence, it will be out of florida, and i can forget about all of this for good. forgetting is something i've been having a hard time with recently. i wish it was easier for me to forget/turn my back on people like i've experienced. i kind of feel like an idiot for ever thinking things were more than they were.