the mind is a terrible thing

there's a big empty place in my chest and it's obvious why. i don't know why this is so hard for me to swallow, but last night i felt like dying. i was rolling around on my bed, cold sweat, back and forth, from 3am until about 9am when i finally fell asleep. i think i've fucked things up really bad. life goes on i suppose, it's just going to be a slow start.
bike rides don't really make me as happy anymore, and i hate that. drinking is increasing in it's inability to numb out depression, it's actually kind of backfiring, which also sucks.
fuck i'm pathetic. this is pathetic.
i'm sorry to anyone who actually reads this. writing in here just brings some sort of mental clarity...or something.

i need to by some new records or something.