playing tonight's house show seems to have been a very huge redeeming factor as far as my happiness is concerned. i needed something like this to bring me back to my feet, or at least clear my mind from all the shit it's been swimming in. it's still really terrible, dealing with that place in your chest that feels like a black hole. i feel like i've been growing from it a lot though. it's really taught me to put my values in to things that truly deserve it. as much as i seem to be blindsided by emotions on a regular basis, i've been feeling an intense apathy recently, because i basically feel like now my emotions are invalid, and just serve as some sort of mental distraction from true logic. i know there is some validity to the things i'm passionate about, but it's a matter of taking things realistically, as opposed to what my heart wants them to be. i feel like i've recognized this fact for a while, but i suppose it takes it takes something really traumatic in order to learn and accept this. as much as it's been hurting, it feels good to recognize this as a lesson or a growing experience. i'm the type of person to put a lot emotion in to things i care about, perhaps too much. witnessing an intense passion get thrown away so casually hurts immensely, but things go on. there will be others to pour something into, and they will throw it away also, but life continues. i feel so nieve that it's taken me 21 years to realize things like this, but it's happened now, and i'm finally able to swallow this lump in my throat.
loneliness seems rather irrelevant, i've accepted isolation, and it's something i will most likely experience for a good period of time. it's something which i'm sure everyone faces, maybe not to such an extent, but this is the way things are going to be, and it's pointless to feel misery over something beyond your control.
i just don't know where things go from here.
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