boiled peanut juice all over my keyboard from typing this

i forgot how much of a bummer being lonely is.

and the beloved bukowski once said:
"don't wait for the right woman. she doesn't exist.
there are women who can make you feel more with their bodies and their souls, but these are the exact women who will turn the knife into you right in front of the crowd. of course, i expect this, but the knife still cuts."

i wish i had more to distract myself. north korea re-recorded today and we're gonna have really neat sounding recordings soon. i've been getting less occupied with everything. i've been skating, but by myself usually and that tends to make it less fun, and it gets kind of lonely. i haven't painted in a while; i have to be in such a particular mind when i'm painting, and lately i've felt very far from that. haven't really drawn anything seriously. i've been filling up sketchbooks with all sorts of unsatisfying ideas, but it kills time well at least. it sucks to have your motivation compromised by completely irrelevant situations. it just really really bothers me how consuming my emotions are. i guess it's just been so long since i've felt sad again, it's a very undesired nostalgia. the cycle sucks, but i just want to be able to reach that point i was at, to where i can just feel numb to things. it will happen eventually i'm sure. i had an intense amount of apprehension flowing before, and it's been answered fairly painfully, and now it's back on downward.