once i've actually realized the truth, it's like this giant ball of emptiness explodes inside my body. i guess it's kind of a more desirable way of parting with those feelings, emptiness rather than sadness? i just feel like such an idiot for thinking things were ever any different.
sorry everybody.
sometimes when i'm at hoops i look at all the old guys and dread being in their position. i can't imagine how lonely they must be. a lot of them are just obnoxious alcoholics, but some of them are so quiet. they just sit at the same table, in the same chair, the whole night, and drink by themselves. when i started going there, this was a reason why it was so comforting, i felt i could empathize with their loneliness, and it gave that bar some sort of somber enjoyability. i can't imagine how they must loathe what hoops has been turning into. as much as i'd like to disagree with the thought of being them, i can totally see myself in a very similar position when i'm older. but then there's this other really big part of me that knows i won't even be alive that long anyways.
sidenotes:
1.today is a good day for a bike ride.
2.i wish this is for you fest was still happening
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