i have no patience for anything anymore. it sure is nice to be emotionally detached, and truly be able say 'fuck it' to everything. nothing really matters. i guess it feels empty, but so does being fucked over all the time, that actually feels worse. either way it doesn't make things feel any more fulfilling. it's just a thought.
Monday, January 26, 2009
"he's jaded and disgusted by the emptiness of existence...its hard...really."
it's pretty disheartening to be in a point in your life where absolutely nothing is the way you'd like it to be. outside of the fact that there will be days that are amazing, moments that i'll never forget, and times i'm overloaded with happiness; i really never thought being this age would entail so much depression- it always seemed like this would be the highlighted time. although, i'm sure most of this has to do with my own stance on things, but i'm not even sure i really have a stance anymore. i've reached this point of intense nihilism toward most everything. like there's no emotion in my body, there's no spark there. it's just an empty vessel. i wish i could figure out how to let other things make me happy. i've realized that when i'm happy it's generally because my loneliness is fulfilled, but that's so trivial, and i know my discontent is beyond loneliness. i suppose the other things become easier to ignore when there's someone who makes you excited to wake up in the morning.
i think i'm getting better. i was in winter park the other day and i tried going to the publix that i stole allie medicine from, which is also the publix we got caught stealing subs from. as soon as i walked in, all the employees were staring at me really bad, like they knew that i was a villain. i wonder if they have security camera pictures of me in the office or something. either way, i went to whole foods about a half hour later and stole much better meddys. they've been working really good, i don't really feel like i'm dying (too much) anymore, it just feels like there's a brick on top of my face instead of a nose. in celebration of this newly found/increasing health, i got rid of the beard that i've been working on well before allie left it feels nice to have a face again. i kind of just wanted to shave the whole thing off all the sudden. having any sort of facial hair under your nose when you have a cold is really sick. every time i blow my nose, a huge glob of snot gets embedded into my mustache. it can be paralleled to the analogy of wiping with a hairy butthole: trying to wipe peanut butter out of a shag carpet. oh yeah! so the show that was really awesome and fun to play at birdie's - lyle was supposed to have filmed the whole thing, but he only filmed part, and then the footage got erased. i was really really bummed about it because it was such a fun show, until i saw these videos which jeffrey from hot hands filmed. outside of the last christopher walken reunion at keri's old house, this was the funnest show i've ever played:
it was also fun because we finally got to do the joy division cover, which we've only kind of fucked around with at practice. it was awesome, everyone was dancing and singing a long. i think that's an unspeakable happiness when people are singing along with your band, outside of the fact that it's not our song, it still feels amazing. fortunately, jeffrey also managed to capture 19 seconds of it, probably the best part of the show, but apparently his camera died. at least there's this little bit to enjoy:
i feel like shit. in every sense of the word. i think my throat might feel a little less painful if i ripped it out. my back feels like it's broken and i feel like i have a headache all over my entire body. being depressed feels terrible when you have such intense physical ailments. it's hard because when you're sick, or at least when i'm sick, i can't do anything but lay in bed and think about all sad stuff that i usually just block out. i thought i felt empty before, but when you have no physical strength it's completely miserable. i want to sleep until it all goes away, but that's not gonna happen. i just want someone to bring me soup and watch a movie with me so i don't feel like such a freak. but that's not gonna happen either.
Monday, January 12, 2009
so jake's disposition of being a guitarless guitar player has led me to sell mine to him, which will in turn be funding my next tattoo. i'm really excited, because i've had so many ideas, but i will have a much larger budget considering i have my saved money, on top of what jake is paying me. part of me wants to splurge and get a huge piece done, because i want to try and fill up my right arm, where most of my stuff is. i just don't know what i'd fill all of it with. although, there are some potential ideas
these are pretty much in order of how much i want them, more or less. i really want that other baizely piece because it would match the other one so well, and close off the top of my arm pretty good. the party of helicopters and the joy division thing are just some things i've liked for a long time, plus they're great bands, so i wouldn't mind having a memoir of them forever. i was thinking of getting the party of helicopters one on the back of my forearm, and probably get it filled with detail, rather than solid black silhouettes. the joy division one would go on the inside of my
playing tonight's house show seems to have been a very huge redeeming factor as far as my happiness is concerned. i needed something like this to bring me back to my feet, or at least clear my mind from all the shit it's been swimming in. it's still really terrible, dealing with that place in your chest that feels like a black hole. i feel like i've been growing from it a lot though. it's really taught me to put my values in to things that truly deserve it. as much as i seem to be blindsided by emotions on a regular basis, i've been feeling an intense apathy recently, because i basically feel like now my emotions are invalid, and just serve as some sort of mental distraction from true logic. i know there is some validity to the things i'm passionate about, but it's a matter of taking things realistically, as opposed to what my heart wants them to be. i feel like i've recognized this fact for a while, but i suppose it takes it takes something really traumatic in order to learn and accept this. as much as it's been hurting, it feels good to recognize this as a lesson or a growing experience. i'm the type of person to put a lot emotion in to things i care about, perhaps too much. witnessing an intense passion get thrown away so casually hurts immensely, but things go on. there will be others to pour something into, and they will throw it away also, but life continues. i feel so nieve that it's taken me 21 years to realize things like this, but it's happened now, and i'm finally able to swallow this lump in my throat. loneliness seems rather irrelevant, i've accepted isolation, and it's something i will most likely experience for a good period of time. it's something which i'm sure everyone faces, maybe not to such an extent, but this is the way things are going to be, and it's pointless to feel misery over something beyond your control.
there's a big empty place in my chest and it's obvious why. i don't know why this is so hard for me to swallow, but last night i felt like dying. i was rolling around on my bed, cold sweat, back and forth, from 3am until about 9am when i finally fell asleep. i think i've fucked things up really bad. life goes on i suppose, it's just going to be a slow start. bike rides don't really make me as happy anymore, and i hate that. drinking is increasing in it's inability to numb out depression, it's actually kind of backfiring, which also sucks. fuck i'm pathetic. this is pathetic. i'm sorry to anyone who actually reads this. writing in here just brings some sort of mental clarity...or something.
i need to by some new records or something.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
there's been a lot of introspection going on lately, and it's made me feel really shitty. i don't know why i've even been trying to go out, it's pretty much impossible for me to socialize at this point, but i think it's probably going to be good in the long run, i hope. all of this time has just made me realize what a waste the last few months have been. it feels awful to pour all of your heart into something and have it thrown away and forgotten about so quickly like it's nothing. whatever, another wasted effort in my life, not surprising. soon it will be gone, and forgotten about forever, and it will be like none of this ever happened. it just makes me sick that this is how the story ends.
2008 was a piece of shit and a lot of bad things happened. i'm not anymore hopeful for 2009, but i feel kind of excited about it. only because i can't really imagine things getting much worse anymore. the past two+ years or so have been the worst yet and all the negative emotions i've experienced have been to the most extreme. dealt with death of a family member, psychiatric counseling, heartbreak, backstabbing, betrayal, being used, being lied to, being ignored, being broke, going to jail, being on probation, breaking a limb, losing close friends, being generally discontent, etc. i hate to jinx myself, which i probably will, in saying i can't imagine anything making me feel worse than experiencing those things has left me feeling. i'll be moving out since i'll be in school longer than expected. it will be a good feeling to know that when i move out of that residence, it will be out of florida, and i can forget about all of this for good. forgetting is something i've been having a hard time with recently. i wish it was easier for me to forget/turn my back on people like i've experienced. i kind of feel like an idiot for ever thinking things were more than they were.
