blasphemy of love

once again, i find another bukowski piece that's somehow managed to capture the exact sentiments:



in my beginning
as with every human
being, we're
born early
into the truest sense
of the word NEED.

I was given the sustenance
of existence
until I was able to live without
any further original need
and so I boldly, naively believing
and brightly blazing
thrust myself
forward into life, filled
with an insatiable apatite
for self reliance, with
an almost curiously anti-dependant
desire; to be whole
without any outside force,
to rely on nothing
and no one else.

I searched and settled
and pondered and cursed thin air
and most often through the years I've
found myself in life
continuously fighting an almost
insurmountable surreal desire-
to be
needed by another...
I've finally come to know now unequivocally
that I am NOT, never
have been
and never will be.

I am a man, but I am not a leader
nor a follower or a Father.

through disenchantment and heartbreak,
through disappointment and
disillusionment, through false promises
given by and taken from me
through the whole of my
self-sustained life
it has ultimately
led me back within myself-
clarity has come for me
through a disintigration of truth
an obliteration of hope
a caricature of self
a malignancy of soul
and a blasphemy of love
most people know
every fire needs fuel
to continue,
or it must succumb
to an inevitable
cool weightless ash
and a dissipating smoke.

my dilemma has been that
I feel no need to seed
another human
into being
in need
of
original love to survive,
to endure another plight of life
in utter ultimate
useless
needlessness...
so to those I've loved I can only say this:

"I knew I wanted to be with you,
but I never needed you,
I thought you might have needed me,
but you didn't and you don't.

I apologize for not knowing that
better back then.

but I promise you this
My Loves,

it'll never happen again."

"i guess when i get home i'll be alone again"

sometimes i feel like every ergs song was written for me



i write in this too much.

my body has been treated like shit lately. underslept, underfed, dehydrated, terrible diet, massive amounts of alcohol, emotional stress. it's an amalgamation of things which is now starting to catch up with me. it's really surprisng that i haven't been sick yet, vitamins are the only thing saving me at this point i think. i've been waking up feeling really really sad every morning for obvious reasons, but it sucks to have that on top of every muscle in your body feeling tight/sore. my back feels like i'm constantly wearing a 30 pound bag or something. i know a majority of this is solely because of the amount i've been drinking lately. i just want to be drunk all the time so i don't have to keep thinking, but that method has been working less and less. i have this amazing inherent ability to get totally depressed at anytime, i'm really good at it. i just want it to pass - this is sad but it's happening.

ok seriously fuck christmas

i hate the holidays.
just throwing that out there.

last night was a good experience...kindof.
my bike is really nice now, everything works real good and it's much more fun to be on, so i had this intense urge to ride, but no one to do it with. i think i'm getting better at accepting the fact that i will inevitably be alone/lonely for a large majority of my life. i guess i should work on appreciating the times i get to escape it, rather than dwelling on being consumed by it. easier said than done.
so back to last night - i started off from lyle's, went to drunken monkey, food/coffee/socialize, rode back to jake's house with him, saw off birdie & zach on their date (awww), went back to around stardust area to get narcotics for zach, didn't happen, got a 12 pack, rode all over orlando while consuming said 12 pack. i ended up drinking on the roof of this building real close to downtown for a good while. it was nice being able to watch everything happen from a distance. watch people go about their nightly adventures, evading their discontent. i love making up scenarios/situations while people watcing. it's probably one of my favorite things to do, obviously funner with another person, but it's alright. i forgot how much i enjoy drinking out in public places, things got really nostalgic, got very sad, obviously. it made me miss a lot of things, made me miss a certain person (very much), and it made me miss going on aimless rides like that.

also, i hate how much i have to rely talking to a fucking diary, rather than talking to a person.
it really does a lot for feeling lonely. (ha.)

today: eating soup, bike riding, reading, lonesome.

"don't try"

once i've actually realized the truth, it's like this giant ball of emptiness explodes inside my body. i guess it's kind of a more desirable way of parting with those feelings, emptiness rather than sadness? i just feel like such an idiot for thinking things were ever any different.

sorry everybody.

sometimes when i'm at hoops i look at all the old guys and dread being in their position. i can't imagine how lonely they must be. a lot of them are just obnoxious alcoholics, but some of them are so quiet. they just sit at the same table, in the same chair, the whole night, and drink by themselves. when i started going there, this was a reason why it was so comforting, i felt i could empathize with their loneliness, and it gave that bar some sort of somber enjoyability. i can't imagine how they must loathe what hoops has been turning into. as much as i'd like to disagree with the thought of being them, i can totally see myself in a very similar position when i'm older. but then there's this other really big part of me that knows i won't even be alive that long anyways.

sidenotes:
1.today is a good day for a bike ride.
2.i wish this is for you fest was still happening

no one's going to read this anyways

this month has gone by really fast. it sucks to realize it's now coming to an end, which makes the reality of her leaving much more apparent. it gives me this really uncomfortable sense of feeling, my chest feels tight and i start to get these weird headaches. i've kind of been accepting it for so long that i'm numb to the thought of absence, i think it's just the loneliness that i'm so apprehensive about. i've come to know orlando as an extremely lonely city, and the amount of true friends i have can be counted on one hand, a number which seems to be dwindling away with time also. i just need to get out of this city for good, each day brings less and less reason of why i should stay, and it's just really upestting to face this, and not gain anything new. or when i have gained, it's so short lived, and is gone within months. it's hard to not be hopeless when you're trapped in a cycle like this.
in other news, i went to publix yesterday to steal allie medicine, and weighed myself and realized i've lost 9 pounds over a recent course of time. it kind of freaks me out because it's really really really rare for my weight to fluctuate this much. i've weighed around 130 since highschool, give or take 5 pounds, but losing that much weight within about a month or so kind of freaks me out. i know being depressed makes you lose weight, i guess i just didn't really realize how hard of an effect it can have on your body.

that shit makes your spinal fluid run backwards.

it's hard to determine if i want to post here or on el jay. blogspot is just so0O0o much cooler.
the show last night was fun. besides the house show part, i couldn't see anyone and shit kept going wrong. when i got there i couldn't see anyone and i sat kind of away from everyone and got a really huge budweiser box thrown at my head, and that sucked, and it hurt. then once i tried to go be social some girl spilled her entire beer on my lap. i just kept getting pissed off at that house. there was a bunch of weird bro kids from kissimmee and i still couldn't see anyone, i was kind of glad it got moved to black box. off with their heads was awesome, it made me really happy, and it felt like what a show should feel like, besides that really stupid fight. it was really shocking to me the whole time. it's been so long since i've heard the noise of fists pounding flesh and bottles smacking against skulls. it kind of made me feel sick, because the kids are such fucking idiots. i guess that kind of should be expected. kind of. i guess i just have more hope for kids involved in a particular music scene, but it's not like it hasn't been proven wrong before.

being heartbroken sucks. a lot. i hate how consuming it is, because i can't ignore it or make it any less worse. maybe the more i write in a diary about it, the better it will feel. or maybe i should write a song, that's the normal thing to do, right? acoustic of course. jushkiddin. things aren't so bad, my heart hurts, but things could be worse. i'm thankful for what i have.
optimism? from vivek? weeirddd.

"When you're young, not much matters. When you find something that you care about, then that's all you got." - wise words from telly, i'll only keep part of the quote because the full version is kind of sick and the full thing is in a totally different context because he's an asshole liar creep with aids.



someone go skateboarding with me.

boiled peanut juice all over my keyboard from typing this

i forgot how much of a bummer being lonely is.

and the beloved bukowski once said:
"don't wait for the right woman. she doesn't exist.
there are women who can make you feel more with their bodies and their souls, but these are the exact women who will turn the knife into you right in front of the crowd. of course, i expect this, but the knife still cuts."

i wish i had more to distract myself. north korea re-recorded today and we're gonna have really neat sounding recordings soon. i've been getting less occupied with everything. i've been skating, but by myself usually and that tends to make it less fun, and it gets kind of lonely. i haven't painted in a while; i have to be in such a particular mind when i'm painting, and lately i've felt very far from that. haven't really drawn anything seriously. i've been filling up sketchbooks with all sorts of unsatisfying ideas, but it kills time well at least. it sucks to have your motivation compromised by completely irrelevant situations. it just really really bothers me how consuming my emotions are. i guess it's just been so long since i've felt sad again, it's a very undesired nostalgia. the cycle sucks, but i just want to be able to reach that point i was at, to where i can just feel numb to things. it will happen eventually i'm sure. i had an intense amount of apprehension flowing before, and it's been answered fairly painfully, and now it's back on downward.

...

i thought things were going too good to be true, but apparently, i was too unfamiliar with misery.

i wish crawling in a hole and dying was as easy as it sounds.

i hate that feeling of waking up after a night of drinking, and realizing you've done something stupid because you were drunk.
i hate how much my emotions/insecurities can control me and make me an idiot.

i feel terrible.

the worst part is that what caused it is still bothering me.

lately there's been an intense amount of apprehension flowing around my head. i just think that i inherently have a wish for things to go right, but this mindset which over powers that, telling me that everything will inevitably go wrong. it's put me in a mode of constantly expecting to be let down, which has held true a majority of the time.
i'm just caught in the middle of it constantly, but lately it's been much more intense. it's making me feel pretty awful. i wish i could just unconditionally accept all the shit life throws at me but know how to detach myself from the problems emotionally.

alone with everybody

the flesh covers the bone and
they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody ever finds the
one
but they keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.
the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill
nothing else
fills.

feeling terrible

i don't want to think. it's pretty hard to escape.

attn y'all

some shniz goin on you should be at:




they're both going to be a lot of fun. so bring your fwends, and your weed, and your friends' weed, and probably something to barf in.

when i turned 18, i got on this scare that "i'm an adult now, and i could go to jail for getting caught stealing." so it ended for a long time, in fear of getting caught. lately, all of that has been irrelevant though. i just got back from publix after taking about a weeks + worth of groceries, and as of recent times, i've been pulling some major heists.
feels good, just kind of nerve-racking in the back of my head. i'm not going to do anything stupid, i only do it in places i know i can't get caught/know their policies on shoplifting.
but in the mean time, it sure does feel great, i'm not so broke anymore.
..if i could only steal beer.

BUY NOTHING DAY

is tomorrow!
fight consumer culture.

spanksgiving

i don't know why i always feel weird around holidays. maybe because the true holiday has been bastardized so far from it's original roots, and turned into a marketing scheme for consumer culture. it seems like this country is so bent on keeping an image that no longer exists, and was lost a long time ago. i'm glad as i get older i'm able to disconnect myself from this more and more.
i was supposed to be in cocoa celebrating this day with my sister/her husbands family, but i talked to my dad and convinced them how weird it was, and he said he just wanted me to go there so i wouldn't feel lonely, and expressed his wishes for me to come with him to new york. although, i'm not worried about it. either house would be filled with highly un-vegan meals, and annoying conversations about how i "need to at least drink milk or something." even being disconnected from this culture, there still are some things that i can thank jesus and the holy goat for:



and the girl whos farts smell worse than mine:



probably some other stuff too, i'm sick of looking at this screen though.

xoxo
gossip girl

traction reaction

nina came in to town last night, i think it might be about a year+ since i saw her last. today kaysie, birdie, nina, ryan and i went to publix and got caught stealing subs. the guy was an asshole, we walked away, end of story. i came back home and read this camus book that i got bored with a while ago. nothing really changed with that, i don't understand how the book won him a noble prize because he's an amazing author, and that book does not do him justice. i once again got bored with it and started on my "mood board" project. i don't really know what else to add, so i think i'm done, i just have to make some uglay face on him and then it will be done. check it out:


other things have been nice. i'm not used to not feeling lonely or sad all the time, it's good because i was so numb to it, that it never really effected me emotionally. it just was a constant drain on my mind, but now it's gone and i feel normal - whatever that means. although, i am pretty apprehensive because the girl that has my heart right now (very tightly, i might add) and who's been bringing me all of this contentment, is going to be gone in about a month or so. i wish it was easier for me to not get ridiculously attached to the person i'm dating. i'm too controlled by my emotions and it sucks. i'm really really not looking forward to her move, but it's too predictable i guess.
this will be the second girl that was absolutely wonderful in every way and will come to an end because of distance...awesome.

acceptance of meanings

it's a strange thing to become used to, sleeping in a bed with someone. it's been so long since i've had it consistently that it's kind of jarring to revert back to not having it - having to revert back to the imaginary idea that a body pillow is someone, as to not feel so lonely. i guess it's just more difficult because it's freezing at night, and there's nothing better than a warm body to cuddle up with and wake up next to.
this weather is really nice though. yesterday i made a ramp and skated it for about two hours. some little kids came up and asked me if they could skate it, and i got kind of nervous, because last time a situation like this came up, this happened:

but i managed to enjoy the session this time unscathed. i always liked being the older mentor-type for younger kids, it's nice to know that you mean something to someone. it also feels amazing to be able to skate for over an hour and not be covered in sweat.
i feel pretty productive today; after a night filled with strange and sad dreams, i woke up with this insane urge to draw. this was transformed into painting, and less than 3 hours of being awake, i'm halfway done with a new painting. i'm kind of sick of it already, it just feels good to have something new. it made me reminicse of highschool times where being compelled to draw surged constantly, i wish there was someway to enduce this, because it feels so good when it comes around. although, it's really way too nice to be stuck inside today anyhow, a good day to bring a sketchbook/book to a park and enjoy it for a while.
but now it's time to cook some food and feed my face.

internet generation

check this shit out.
i made a bliggity-blog so now i can say things that no one really cares about, but will read anyway to have something to do on the internets.

i'm in class now, color theory. our final project for this class is to make a 'mood board', a poster board that represents a certain idea/culture/thing. the first part was to make three potential ideas, mine were: death, western, and punk rock. we were then told to pick one of the three after reviewing them with the teacher. apparently western, and death/zombies are pretty common, but i feel like punk would come too easy which was the one i picked. i was thinking maybe jungle theme. show some tribal guys with their balls hanging out and monkeys flying around and shit. i don't know what to do though..